Memories

I came out of the long darkness, into the home of morning. 

Where the feet of morning glimmered luminously into my eyes. 

The track met his end at the same time my eyes opened.

Long journey from down south to here, I came. Mother and Father told me to keep hold of my things when I got out. Don’t pick up the wrong bag, they told me. 

I stood up briefly to grab the bag and peeked my head into the corridor; other kids my age were all running out.

‘Children.’

I felt some smugness in choosing to stay in my carriage until everyone had left.

By waiting behind, I was avoiding the other children’s push and shove, so I knew I was definitely smarter than them!

If mom could see me now, she’d let me finally play after dark. She told me I could do so when I grew up.

Mental maturity counts. What a genius thought from a genius mind!

I waited for a little while, thinking about things I could do when I return back home.

Mom and dad said it won’t be too long, right? I mean, I do love my grandpa but after nana was gone he was always a bit… hard to approach.

I shook my head. I could start counting days with my hands. I’m sure I’ll be back home before I run out! Mom said I’ll be back before I can fold all my fingers!

Suddenly, the door opened and a train attendant came in.

He looked annoyed and tired, with signs of dark circles around his eyes.

I briefly felt another smugness come over me; I was like Sherlock! But before I could finish my thought, he spoke. 

“We’ve arrived, kid. You got to get out of the carriage.”

“Yes sir, sorry sir.”

I grabbed my bag and skittled out of there.

I swear, when I’m grown up they can’t tell me to move like that! I’ll be a famous detective! Not some train attendant. And what was it dad always used to say? Never work in a public sector?

With the first wave of kids gone from the train, I could leave with some ease.

That’s when I knew I was smart. A genius! As mom says I am!

As I got out of the train, I looked around for my grandfather.

He was there, clear as day, with his trench coat and suit.

All thoughts of my grandeur swiftly left my mind. I could tell he was… annoyed.

His footsteps were soft, but at that moment they rang so loud.

Thumph. THumph. THUMph. THUD. 

“You came out late.”

I was already looking down before I even knew I was doing so.

“Sorry grandfather.”

“… care to explain why?”

“I thought… I just thought with everyone trying to leave at once if I waited until everyone left it would be a good plan.”

I briefly looked up to glimpse at his face.

He didn’t look… angry.

“While that isn’t a bad plan when you are traveling child, remember to not do so when you have someone waiting for you.”

“Yes grandfather.”

He turned around and headed out.

I took that as a sign I wasn’t in too much trouble and followed him.

Outside the station it was already quite busy with other families all over.

They were mostly elderly, so I guessed that  like me, moms and dads were still down south.

I glimpsed a kind looking old man with a kind looking old lady.

I wish grandma was with me.

Even though I shouldn’t think so, I thought why couldn’t my grandfather smile like that. 

Was grandfather ever smiley like that? Was he happy to see me but just not showing it?

But I wouldn’t know, as grandfather didn’t even turn around once all the way to the car.

He opened the door for me to enter and I did.

The ride was a silent one. 

Grandfather was looking forward to the road, and I couldn’t think of any topic to talk to him about.

But I tried.  After all, mom said to get along well with grandfather.

“So grandfather, I heard Russians have joined in the war. Do you think you would go back at the end of the war if we win?”

I felt proud for knowing that fact.

I heard grandfather came from Russia, and I heard on the radio that we are on the same side now. So that means he could go back, right? Friends wouldn’t stop each other from traveling after all.

“… I doubt so.”

Silent again took over.

I wished he would speak a bit more. I was internally debating whether or not to ask why not, but if I did it would probably annoy him, right? But I was curious.

In  the end I decided to hold my tongue and ask mom when I got back.

At least then I could get an answer!

From then,  silence persevered all throughout the ride. 

After all, he didn’t like talking and I didn’t know what to say. 

When we got home, the place looked exactly the same as the last time I visited.

The white house on the coast with a black roof.

But for some reason I couldn’t help feeling something was now… gone.

I guess it was probably grandma no longer being here, but the place looked somewhat like it was slowly… breaking apart? Like when you put sugar into water and it melts.

Yes, the house felt like soggy sugar.

The day passed uneventfully

I had some soup for dinner which tasted way too strong. Mom doesn’t use this many spices, but I really couldn’t complain to grandfather. He didn’t even say anything at the dinner table!

And I slept in my mom’s old room where there were so many dresses! I guess if I was a girl I’d have tried it on, instead I just wondered how much all this could have cost!

Perhaps the only good thing about the place was when I folded one finger. Just nine more to go. 

Then a day passed. And another. And another.

When I had folded all ten, I gathered up the courage to ask grandfather to take me to the train station.

When he asked why, I told him what mom said. He just shook his head and said it wasn’t going to happen.

I wanted to cry and scream because mom couldn’t have lied to me. She couldn’t have! 

So, I decided to walk on my own. Even if  grandfather wants to keep me from going to my mom, he can’t stop me!

But after an hour of walking I found myself on a road with no end in sight.

I tried to steel myself, saying it would be just around the horizon. But I knew then, that I was probably a foolish kid for walking. The car took at least an hour or so to get home. I didn’t know how far it would be but it was definitely not close.

I cried on the roadside. I wanted to see mom. I wanted to see my father. I wanted a meal that wasn’t so spicy. I just wanted to go home.

Then I saw grandfather’s car slowly approaching.

I was half tempted to hide in the bushes, because I was afraid of what he would do.

But I knew I couldn’t run off.

Where would I go? I was a foreigner in a town I did not know.

His car stopped right next to me and the door swung open.

“… are you alright?”

That wasn’t what I expected to hear from him.

I was expecting some lecture or scream like the headmaster did in school.

Not… concern.

I tried shaking my head up and down and tears kept rolling down my cheeks

I wanted to stop crying but I couldn’t. I just wanted to see mom.

Without a word he got out, lifted me up and put me into the car.

I half expected to be thrown in but he just put me gently on the backseat.

He got back into the front seat of the car and sighed.

“You wanted to see your mother right?”

I felt hope coming back to me! Perhaps I could go back home today!

“Yes grandfather.”

“…”

He frowned for a while then spoke.

“Unfortunately, it seems the situation hasn’t been going… too well. It’s still not safe at home.”

That felt like a rock had  fallen in my heart.

I couldn’t go home. 

He turned to look back at me and extended his hand.

Expecting a punch or something I crouched, but the hand didn’t hit me.

He simply ruffled my hair.

“I know this is hard for you but your mom will be proud of you when you get back. You can be a man, right?”

His tone didn’t change like it said so in Sherlock novels but… I realized just because he spoke like that didn’t mean everyone with one tone didn’t care about someone else.

“Yes grandfather.”

“I promise you child, when you can go back, I will let you know as fast as possible. I promise on your babushka.”

As I nodded, for the first time that I could remember, he smiled.

Faintly. But he did.

He then began to drive.

I stayed silent. Trying to perhaps rethink about my grandpa.

In Sherlock it seemed that everyone who didn’t smile was evil. The description always said so.

I guess some smiled menacingly… What did that word mean? Was what grandpa was doing smiling menacingly? But those characters always  turned out bad.

So grandpa couldn’t have been smiling …. menacingly.

‘Maybe when I get home, I should read more. Maybe I can find out what grandpa is like in other books.’

But my thoughts were interrupted when the car didn’t stop at the house.

“Um… where are we going grandfa.. pa?”

“To the sea child. You seemed like you needed it.”

That immediately brought a frown. I didn’t like the seaside very much; it was always windy and cold.

Mom said not all seas are like this, and that some are nice and warm in other places, but it still didn’t make me like the English seaside. 

When we got to the beach, the sands were empty.

Nothing but the giant sea and the vast clouds to greet me.

As grandpa left the car, I briefly contemplated asking him if I could stay in

But even with my change of mind I didn’t want to disappoint him, so I followed.

The beach was as cold as I remembered. Even worse, because the sky was all dark.

I guess when it rains, it pours.

I shivered with the cold but suddenly, I felt something warm over me.

Grandpa put me inside his giant trench coat and shielded me from the winds. 

I looked up, trying to see his face but all I could make out was him looking straight at the sea.

“I know it’s hard for you. But be strong for your mom. For your dad. Okay?”

“Okay grandpa.”

“… let me know if you want something or to do anything. I’m guessing staying with me couldn’t have been easy.”

“It was okay… soup was a bit spicy.”

“I know I was a lousy cook child. My bad. I’ll try to not put in too much.”

“That would be great, grandfather.”

“Anything else?”

“Um… can I call them? Or send letters to mom and dad?”

“I’m sure we can figure something out.”

“… why aren’t you mad at me, grandpa?”

“Because you missed your mom. Nothing wrong with that.”

“… Thank you, grandpa.”

“No problem.”

“Why the beach grandpa? It’s cold here.” 

“Ha. Guess you are a bit young to appreciate this.”

“Mom said I’m mature.”

“Doesn’t make you mature just because your mom said so, child. Look at the sea, what do you see?” 

“Um… Dark clouds. Blue sea and giant rocks?”

“And?”

“Uhh… the seagulls? Although even they seem sparse in this weather.”

“That is true. But look more at the sea child.”

“The waves that come and go…?”

“Yes child. The waves… come and go. Like that, everything is.”

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“… do you know what happens when ice melts?”

“um… it becomes water?”

“No child. It becomes spring.”

“I still don’t get it.”

“Ha. Well guess you’ll know later, child. Everything comes with time… But for now, let us see the waves.”

“Okay grandpa… But can I have soup when I get home?”

“Sure, child. Sure.”